105 Ways to Give a Book

The Tinkerbell Policy

Little Honey Bear and the Smiley MoonI have a new policy on picture books: I refuse to read anything that will leave me covered in glitter. Someone has to take a stand, before adults and kids everywhere start taking on a fairy-dust-like sheen. Little Honey Bear and the Smiley Moon, written by Gillian Lobel and illustrated by Tim Warnes, has the honor of provoking this policy, because ohmigod, all the glitter. On every page. All over every page. Because even on the pages where glitter was not supposed to be, oh glitter was. By the time I had finished reading the book, my hands looked like I had bitch-slapped Tinkerbell.

I’m not even sure what the book was about anymore; between the glitter and the phrasing and the title itself, I was all gooey sweetnessed out before I had reached page four. I think that Little Honey Bear and his cute friends Lily Long Ears and Teeny Tiny Mouse (I can’t believe that I was going to try to come with names cuter than that) went off to meet the smiley moon. When the moon is covered by a cloud, they get lost, until Mommy Bear finds them.

Another problem, now that I’ve had to read to find out what happened: Mother Bear smiles as she takes them all home for a special supper after finding the bear and his friends. Smiles? Special supper? Are you kidding me? Baby bears climbing out of bed, going outside without asking, and leaving the yard? Mommy Bear should have opened a can of whoop-ass on that misbehaving little bear! Let’s talk about consequences!

Syrupy-sweet, glitter-laden, and message-impaired. Three strikes. Yes, kids may love the glitter. Okay, we knows they loves the glitter. But at the very least, this sparkly spew of Satan has got to stay on the page.

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22 comments:

Liz in Ink said...

This is the funniest review I've read in a very, very long time. Here's to matte paper and characters named, I don't know, Clarence and Margaret.

Kelly Fineman said...

Thank you very, very much for this review. It is one of my favorite reviews ever, for use of the terms "my hands look like I had bitch-slapped Tinkerbell" and "this sparkly spew of Satan has got to stay on the page."

Becky said...

Loved your review. And quite agree with you.

AMY said...

that "bitch-slapped tinkerbell" line might make it into a quote list somewhere. nice. very nice. there's nothing quite so beautiful as the unadorned truth.

Liz in Ink said...

And maybe you oughta re-check your blog rating. If you weren't NC-17, you might be now!!!!

eisha said...

Word, MotherReader! My tolerance for glitter is equally low. And I've got to find a way to work "bitch-slapped Tinkerbell" into a conversation now.

jules said...

Omigod, thanks for the laugh.

Magpie said...

I think glitter should never, ever enter my house.

LiteracyTeacher said...

I think I have to adopt a policy like this too. Sounds scary!

Sarah Miller said...

Pardon me for laughing myself senseless....

TadMack said...

!!!
They never use glitter in YA anymore (okay, just in the gratuitous crap they sell you to go WITH the books) but I swear: I *must* find a way to work 'sparkly spew of Satan' into a conversation somewhere. I'm sure I'll find a spot for ol' Tink, too.

This really, oddly, made my day.

adrienne said...

I have *got* to learn that I should not be catching up on blogs at the Reference Desk. I read the first sentence of this and was immediately guffawing and the patrons were staring again.

adrienne said...

(And, seriously, I needed that today. I was only here about an hour before I decided that it should be time to go home.)

Jennifer Schultz said...

Oh, wow. Were you reading a library copy?

Mary Lee said...

First the Tooth Fairy and now Tinkerbell. I'm just shaking my head and laughing!

a. fortis said...

HA! Great. I'll have to remember to avoid this one.

Little Willow said...

Don't hurt me! (One of my nicknames is Tink or Tinker Bell.) :) :)

nomi said...

I'm learning the fine art of book review. Wow. I was taking the wrong lessons!

Elisabeth Marie said...

Are library copies less glittery than other copies? I didn't notice excessive glitter in the [library] copy I read.

MotherReader said...

Elisabeth, I suspect that after time in the library the glitter wears off, but I was opening a brand-new copy which certainly didn't help.

A Pen In Neverland: Angela Peña Dahle said...

You are definitely funny.

Heidi Mordhorst said...

I have already exceeded my fool- around-on-the-internet time for today, but I must tell you with the mouth of a smart-ass that you are my new favorite kidlit blogger. I'm so used to being generous in my role in the classroom (that's easy; they're 6), to my teaching colleagues(often harder), to the whole damn school district about their ignorant and narrow-minded review of my charter school application (next to impossible), that I've forgotten how good it feels to tell the truth about the crap that book marketers (and marketers of all kinds) are trying to feed our children.

Tell it, sister.